Femme Fatale

So... I'm going through a rough spot again. I thought I was in the clear, but nope. Not this time.

I just keep trying to keep my mind in the positive realm of the reality of this situation: I have some freedom, I have chance, I can be what I want to be, and I have the time to focus on it now.

However....

the negative realm of this situation is strong and keeps pulling my back to it... I'm down and out. I have no source of income now. I have no plan. I wasn't prepared for this. My ego is hurt. My feelings are hurt. My confidence is hurt. Am I just destined for failure?


I KNOW that with this situation, its all up to my mentality. If I want to come out of this alive, and stronger, and better, then I have believe that I can and will do so. If I let my hurt get the best of me, then it'll only make my life more miserable, and hard, and dark.

But its a hard thing battling your inner self... Sometimes I have dark moments where I'm just not okay with what happened. Where I question everything and my future and what the people around me think (I care about what the people I care about think of me. everyone else however, can go fuck themselves). I hate having bridges burn, especially if I couldn't do anything to stop it and it effects me directly. I hate it when peoples untrue words effect people's perceptions of who/what I am or intend to do with my life.

Its just hard for me to swallow because I know that I'm not those misconceptions. I'm not that person that they say I am. And I just struggle with it because I'm sensitive and can't understand why they wouldn't give me a chance to prove myself or to hear my side of the story. It's not the fact that they think of me in a certain way that bothers me; its the fact that they think of me in a certain way, let it decide certain things about me, and they don't give me a chance to show them wrong. That's what bothers me the most. the fact that I didn't even have a chance to be heard.

I'm working on it. I'm fighting off the depression. But I admit it, its hard. I get tired sometimes. I get sad. And I get weepy. I loose my self confidence that I can make it through this, and I do get scared. A lot. And I understand that this is normal. But you also need to understand that this isn't me being weak. This isn't me being stupid, or silly. This is me dealing with it. This IS normal. To feel the way that I do, and to be going through what I'm going though. Its a process. and because I'm back to basics of a humanistic way of dealing with this, does not make me small. It makes me just like you.