Femme Fatale

I want something new. I want something exciting.
I am lacking that motivation, that inspiration, that adventure.
I have constant thoughts running through my brain... thoughts about what I want to look like, how I want my future to be, what I want to be apart of, what I want to do. These thoughts are a constant. A Streaming video on repeat in my head. But I'm stuck. I'm in between a wall and a corner. I am my own worst enemy. Because no matter how much I think about those things, no matter how many times I think to myself "I want to do this." I don't ever seem to get there.
After some time, I've noticed that my goal life, my vision of how I want my life to be, how I want to be, has become stagnant... I can no longer see the vivid colors of the dreams. I can't feel the excitement of the goals. I find myself looking for something to dream about at night, and I struggle to bring those visions to my mind... I've lost sight of them. The things that I would get so excited for have been lost in the sea of tedious nothingness that my life's routine has become. But this is the thing: I know I can get out of it. I know that I can change the outlook of my future, of myself, and that all I need is that 'push'. So I start to look. I start to think about how I can find that inspiration that I need to get my dream train going.... And I can't find it! Sometimes it'd be that movie. Or that book. Or that friend that you can always count on for that refreshment. But I can't find them. And I can feel myself slipping further and further away from that creative, driven, ambitious side of myself.
It's like I'm a train with a long load of work to do. I don't doubt in myself that I can finish all of that work, and do it amazingly, I know I can. But my personal demon, my struggle, is getting that train to START. It's always been the hardest part for me. Once I get it going, I know I can do it and I'll be happy and accomplished, but its getting that lazy/uncertain/unconfident side of me to focus that's my hardest struggle. And as of right now, I'm losing against myself. FML.